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Classic and Contemporary Poetry


THE TWOPENNY POST-BAG: LETTER 4 by THOMAS MOORE

First Line: LAST WEEK, DEAR N-CH-L, MAKING MERRY
Last Line: HATH NO TRUTH IN HIM -- NOT A TITTLE!

Dublin.
LAST week, dear N -- ch -- l, making merry
At dinner with our Secretary,
When all were drunk, or pretty near
(The time for doing business here),
Says he to me, "Sweet Bully Bottom!
These Papist dogs -- hiccup -- od rot'em!
Deserve to be bespatter'd -- hiccup --
With all the dirt e'en @3you@1 can pick up --
But, as the P -- e -- (here 's to him -- fill --
Hip, hip, hurra!) -- is trying still
To humbug them with kind professions,
And, as you deal in @3strong@1 expressions --
@3'Rogue' 'traitor'@1 -- hiccup -- and all that --
You must be muzzled, Doctor Pat! --
You must indeed -- hiccup -- that's flat." --

Yes -- "muzzled" was the word, Sir John --
These fools have clapp'd a muzzle on
The boldest mouth that e'er ran o'er
With slaver of the times of yore! --
Was it for this that back I went
As far as Lateran and Trent,
To prove that they, who damn'd us then,
Ought now, in turn, be damn'd again? --
The silent victim still to sit
Of Gr -- tt -- n's fire and C -- nn -- g's wit,
To hear e'en noisy M -- th -- w gabble on,
Nor mention once the W -- e of Babylon?
Oh! 'tis too much -- who now will be
The Nightman of No-Popery?
What courtier, saint, or even bishop.
Such learned filth will ever fish up?
If there among our ranks be one
To take my place, 'tis @3thou@1, Sir John --
Thou -- who, like me, art dubb'd Right Hon.
Like me, too, art a Lawyer Civil
That wishes Papists at the devil!

To whom then but to thee, my friend,
Should Patrick his portfolio send?
Take it -- 'tis thine -- his learn'd portfolio,
With all its theologic olio
Of Bulls, half Irish and half Roman, --
Of Doctrines, now believed by no man --
Of Councils, held for men's salvation,
Yet always ending in damnation --
(Which shows that, since the world's creation,
Your priests, whate'er their gentle shamming,
Have always had a taste for damning)
And many more such pious scraps,
To prove (what we've long proved perhaps)
That, mad as Christians used to be
About the Thirteenth Century,
There's @3lots@1 of Christians to be had
In this, the Nineteenth, just as mad!

Farewell -- I send with this, dear N -- ch -- l!
A rod or two I've had in pickle
Wherewith to trim old Gr -- tt -- n's jacket. --
The rest shall go by Monday's packet.
P. D.

@3Among the inclosures in the foregoing Letter was the following
"Unanswerable Argument against the Papists."@1

We're told the ancient Roman nation
Made use of spittle in lustration. --
(Vide Lactantium ap. Gallaeum --
i. e. you need not @3read@1 but @3see@1 'em)
Now, Irish Papists (fact surprising!)
Make use of spittle in baptizing,
Which proves them all, O'Finns, O'Fagans,
Connors, and Tooles, all downright Pagans!
This fact's enough -- let no one tell us
To free such sad, @3salivous@1 fellows --
No -- no -- the man, baptized with spittle,
Hath no truth in him -- not a tittle!



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