Two College Professors, -- I won't give their names (Call one of them Jacob, the other one James), -- Two College Professors, who ne'er in their lives Had wandered before from the care of their wives, One day in vacation, when lectures were through, And teachers and students had nothing to do, Took it into their noddles to go to the Races, To look at the nags, and examine their paces, And find out the meaning of "bolting" and "baiting," And the (clearly preposterous) practice of "waiting," And "laying long odds," and the other queer capers Which cram the reports that appear in the papers; And whether a "stake" is the same as a post? And how far a "heat" may resemble a roast? And whether a "hedge," in the language of sport, Is much like the plain agricultural sort? And if "making a book" is a thing which requires A practical printer? and who are the buyers? -- Such matters as these, -- very proper to know, -- And no thought of betting, induced them to go To the Annual Races, which then were in force (Horse-racing, in fact, is a matter of course, Apart from the pun) in a neighboring town; And so, as I said, the Professors went down. The day was the finest that ever was known; The atmosphere just of that temperate tone Which pleases the Spirit of (man and) the Times, But impossible, quite, to describe in my rhymes. The track had been put in a capital plight By a smart dash of rain on the previous night, And all things "went off" -- save some of the horses -- As lively as crickets or Kansas divorces! Arrived at the ground, it is easy to guess Our worthy Professors' dismay and distress At all the queer things which expanded their eyes (Not to mention their ears) to a wonderful size! How they stared at the men who were playing at poker, And scolded the chap with the "sly little joker"; And the boy who had "something uncommonly nice," Which he offered to sell at a very high price, -- A volume that did n't seem over-refined, And clearly was not of the Sunday-school kind. All this, and much more, -- but your patience will fail, Unless I desist, and go on with my tale. Our worthy Professors no sooner had found Their (ten-shilling) seats in the circular ground, And looked at the horses, -- when, presently, came A wish to know what was the Favorite's name; And how stood the betting, -- quite plainly revealing The old irrepressible horse-race-y feeling Which is born in the bone, and is apt to come out When thorough-bred coursers are snorting about. The Professors, in fact, -- I am grieved to report, -- At the very first match entered into the sport, And bet (with each other) their money away -- Just Fifty apiece -- on the Brown and the Bay; And shouted as loud as they ever could bellow, "Hurrah for the filly!" and "Go it, old fellow!" And, "Stick to your business!" and "Rattle your pegs!" -- Like a jolly old brace of professional "Legs!" The race being over, quoth Jacob, "I see My wager is forfeit; to that I agree The Fifty is yours, by the technical rules Observed, I am told, by these horseracing fools; But then, as a Christian, -- I'm sorry to say it, -- My Conscience, you know, won't allow me to pay it!" "No matter," quoth James, "I can hardly refuse To accord with your sound theological views: A tardy repentance is better than none; I must tell you, however, 't was your horse that won! But of course you won't think of demanding the pelf, For I have a conscience as well as yourself!" | Discover our Poem Explanations and Poet Analyses!Other Poems of Interest...DEAD COW FARM by ROBERT RANKE GRAVES FIRST OR LAST (SONG) by THOMAS HARDY THE BOYS by OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES MAY MORNING by CELIA LEIGHTON THAXTER TO A YOUNG MAN ON THE PLATFORM OF A SUBWAY EXPRESS by FRANKLIN PIERCE ADAMS ODES: BOOK 1. ODE 1. PREFACE by MARK AKENSIDE |